Sir, I’m afraid you’ve email-marketed the wrong guy.
According to a report I read from the Direct Marketing Association’s National Client Email Report, most marketers send two to three emails a month. Less than ten percent send six to eight a month.
And then there’s Ray. (Yes, I’ve changed his name. I’m mean, but not that mean.) He’s emailed me thirty-two times over a six-week period. Thirty-two. Let me do the math: that’s a lot.
The thing is, it started innocently enough:
From: Ray
Sent: Tuesday, March 26, 2019 5:02 PM
To: Lane Strauss
Subject: Possible call?
Lane:
It’s great to e-meet you! We are a full-service advertising agency offering branding and design services. Our expertise is developing authentic narratives that help your brand captivate your target audiences.
I’d love to drop you a line and find out how to best address your creative needs.
Do any of the following blocks work for a quick call to discuss ideas?
I’d love to find some time later this week to chat, is there a day or time that works best for you? I look forward to hearing back.
Best,
Ray
I get a lot of emails like this. Some I reply to. Most I don’t. This one was fairly typical and somewhat generic, so I let it go.
Two days later, I got another one.
From: Ray
Sent: Thursday, March 28, 2019 3:14 PM
To: Lane Strauss
Subject: Possible call?
Lane,
Hope everything is going well! I’m reaching back out (at hopefully a more convenient time for you) to get our call scheduled. Is there a day/time that works best for you?
Let me know and I’ll get the calendar invite sent over. I look forward to hearing back and speaking with you!
Ray
Hmmm, a little aggressive Ray. Twice in a week. Plus I’m busy. I’ll pass.
Little did I know, this was just the beginning. Soon, Ray’s emails started coming in droves.
From: Ray
Sent: Tuesday, April 9, 2019 2:17 PM
To: Lane Strauss
Subject: Possible call?
Lane:
I’ve sent a few messages but have not heard from you. I didn’t want to consider silence as “not interested” but I also want to respect your time.
Would you be open this Wednesday for a quick call to discuss our creative marketing services? Thank you for your time and I look forward to your response.
Ray
From: Ray
Sent: Thursday, April 11, 2019 4:18 PM
To: Lane Strauss
Subject: Possible call?
Lane:
I hope this finds you well! Checking back to get our call on the calendar about our creative marketing services. I think our marketing expertise could bring a lot of value to you and your team.
Does next Wednesday look like it will work for a brief call?
Let me know,
Ray
From: Ray
Sent: Friday April 12, 2019 10:03 AM
To: Lane Strauss
Subject: Possible call?
Lane,
They say that spring showers lead to April meetings with our creative marketing agency. Or is it flowers?
Either way, I’m hoping this email leads us to a call together this week — Wednesday?
Ray
Relentless is probably a good word to describe Ray’s emails. The more I ignored them, the more fascinated I became that they wouldn’t stop. They were always the same format. Quick set-up about the weather, a cheesy joke, a sports reference, immediately followed by an attempt to press for a phone call/meeting.
Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. Remember that scene in The Office where Michael was trying not to say, “That’s what she said.” And he lasted for about five minutes?
Well, that was me. I snapped. In the best way possible.
The thing is, he was pressuring me. So I felt it was only fair to push back a little. OK, maybe a little bit more than a little.
Maybe a lot.
From: Ray
Sent: Monday, April 15, 2019 5:01 PM
To: Lane Strauss
Subject: Possible call?
Lane:
Any chance you have some time on Friday to hop on a brief call with me? I’m interested in exploring a partnership with you and looking at your current/future marketing needs.
Let me know if this is on your radar.
Ray
From: Lane Strauss
Sent: Tuesday, April 16, 2019 10:03 AM
To: Ray
Subject: Possible call?
Ray:
Friday would be great. I’m including other members of our team.
Oh wait. Friday is a holiday. Never mind. And I’m on vacation next week. And on a shoot the following week. And at an off-site client meeting M-W the following week, in for two hours on Thursday, out for a doctors appointment in the afternoon, back in for an hour-although I have a conference call-and then an off-site meeting all day on Friday. The following week definitely looks good on Wednesday from 3:15–3:30. But that could change this afternoon. Check your calendar.
Thanks,
Lane
From: Ray
Sent: Tuesday April 16, 2019 6:29 PM
To: Lane Strauss
Subject: Possible call?
Lane:
Just catching up on some emails this evening and I wanted to touch base with you about jumping on a brief call about our brand development services.
Are you interested in exploring a partnership?
Ray
From: Lane Strauss
Sent: Wednesday, April 17, 2019 11:17 AM
To: Ray
Subject: Possible call?
Ray:
What exactly do you mean by brief meeting? That term can be interpreted in so many so many ways:
Do you mean a short meaning?
Do you mean a meeting about creative briefs?
Do you mean a meeting in our underwear?
Please clarify.
Thank you,
Lane
From: Ray
Sent: Thursday, April 18, 2019 11:15 PM
To: Lane Strauss
Subject: Possible call?
Hi Lane,
Happy to clarify this for us. I can say that I do not mean a meeting in our underwear. What I do mean is a short call about how we can help with your creative marketing needs.
With that being said, is this on your radar?
Ray
From: Lane Strauss
Sent: Friday, April 19, 2019 7:18 AM
To: Ray
Subject: Possible call?
Ray:
Thanks for clarifying. So I was a bit concerned that you had some sort of spying software that I’ve read about on the internet and somehow you had hacked the camera in my desktop and actually saw me sitting here and knew the truth.
Anyhow, while I would potentially be interested in a call, one of the members of my team is an undersized individual (3’ 4”), so before I send a possible meeting request, could you please reframe your proposal and not use the phrase “short meeting?” He’s extremely sensitive.
Thanks so much,
Lane
From: Ray
Sent: Friday, April 19, 2019 6:07 PM
To: Lane Strauss
Subject: Possible call?
Hi Lane,
Of course! My apologies there. I would like to hop on a quick call with you and your team. Do you have some time next week?
Thanks!
Ray
From: Lane Strauss
Sent: Friday April 19, 2019 8:04 PM
To: Ray
Subject: Possible call?
Ray:
Let me coordinate with my team. I’ll have to check schedules with the holidays and all. I don’t know if you know, but today was National Clean Out Your Medicine Cabinet Day. Hope you had a good one!
Is there a day that works better for you over the next week or so? Also, just so you know, I technically can’t hop on a call with my wooden leg. The stump is made of pine. I usually just pick up the phone.
Anyhow, let me know what days work for you. Check your calendar. I have a calendar with dogs wearing funny hats.
Lane
From: Ray
Sent: Monday, April 22, 2019 12:15 PM
To: Lane Strauss
Subject: Possible call?
Lane,
Calendars are a funny thing — mine actually has the same as yours….strange.
I actually just checked my calendar and my afternoons are very open for this week. How about we plan for Thursday at 2pm?
Thanks,
Ray
From: Lane Strauss
Sent: Monday April 22, 2019 5:22 PM
To: Ray
Subject: Possible call?
Who’s your favorite dog? I like the shitzu wearing the fedora.
Lane
From: Ray
Sent: Tuesday, April 23, 2019 3:30 PM
To: Lane Strauss
Subject: Possible call?
Hmm.. that’s a difficult one.
Does Thursday @ 2PM work for you?
Thanks!
Ray
From: Lane Strauss
Sent: Tuesday, April 22, 2019 6:47 PM
To: Ray
Subject: Possible call?
Ray:
That should work. So can you do a Vibaqq meeting? It’s new. We’re part of their test pilot program. Several of us have been implanted with chips and we don’t actually need phones anymore. We can just think the meeting. Let me know if you’re interested and I can set you up. Otherwise we can do it your way.
Lane
From: Ray
Sent: Tuesday April 23, 2019 10:03 PM
To: Lane Strauss
Subject: Possible call?
Lane,
That’s great. I actually usually call you. Do you have a number I can reach you at?
Thanks!
Ray
From: Lane Strauss
Sent: Wednesday, April 24, 2019 7:05 AM
To: Ray
Subject: Possible call?
Ray:
I have some bad news. It turns out our office administrator found out exactly how many yellow highlighters I’ve stolen over the past fifteen years (who knew they had cameras in the supply room?)
Anyhow, starting this morning at 9:02 AM, I’ve been put on OWL (Office Watch List). For the next 63 days, I’m strictly limited to staying at my desk, no communication other than interoffice memos and I cannot make eye contact with anyone other than the CEO.
The other part of this that affects you (or is it effects? I’m so bad at that) is that I no longer have the authority to schedule meetings with outside vendors. I tried to make the argument that after all of our communications, you and I are basically friends, but no one here is buying my argument. I knew I should’ve finished law school!
Please accept my sincere apology. Perhaps at another time when things calm down here (or maybe when I return all those highlighters I stole — good thing they don’t know about the paperclips!), we can schedule a meeting.
Otherwise, best of luck to you.
Thanks for reaching out. Again and again and again.
Lane
From: Ray
Sent: Wednesday April 24, 2019 10:47AM
To: Lane Strauss
Subject: Possible call?
Hi Lane,
Ah, I see. Bummer. Do you have someone else I can reach out to?
Thanks!
Ray
**
And just like that, we’re done. I thought I dumped him, but now I’m pretty sure he was just using me. I’m a little hurt. I thought we had a thing.
So is there a lesson to be learned here? Mostly definitely. Be a responsible marketer. If someone wants to connect with you, they will. There’s not a fine line between marketing and annoying. There’s a clear line. Understand your boundaries. Make your point. Get in. And get out.
That’s what she said.
Any questions? Email me. Once.
Have a nice day.
